Feminism in daily life.

[nonethefewer]

I'm trying to type this out on low coffee.  A blanket "I hope you know what I mean" should be applied to this post.  Feel free to poke if you don't.

Last night, my boyfriend Josh and I were nattering about the word "slut", for whatever reason.  (I honestly can't recall how it came up.)  He was arguing that in his experience, the word is used in a gender-neutral sense.  I argued that not so much in mine.  (Reclaiming words did come up, but this post is long enough as it is.  *wry*)

I eventually found some words for it, explaining that in American culture, it's generally expected that men will have sex, whereas it's expected that women (the "good" women, anyhow) will not, so much.  Women are supposed to wait until marriage or love, and aren't generally supposed to be the pursuers.  Men are supposed to be the pursuers, to have the sexual experience, and so forth.  See also the difference in meaning between a woman being a virgin versus a man being a virgin.  So if men are expected to have sex whenever they can get it… how on earth would "slut", the pejorative term ("you have sex a lot and that's bad and you're bad for doing it"), even apply to men?  That seemed to get through.

Josh: But I'd really prefer it if it were gender-neutral.
Me: I'd prefer it if the word were meaningless.  Because seriously, why the fuck should anyone care about how much sex someone is getting?  I sure don't.
Josh: …point.

He made mention, disclaiming first that he didn't want to offend me, that you know… there are better things to get angry about than this.  (And yeah, I was getting angry.  "Sometimes it's frustrating, arguing for oppressive bullshit to be recognised.")  I didn't take offense, because I knew what he meant, and he wasn't trying to tell me not to be angry.  I responded with two things:

1) I understand that it doesn't seem to make sense on the outside to care so much about, for example, sexist terms, when there are larger things in the world that need addressing.  However, I believe that it is just as important to pay attention to fixing the small things as well as the big things.  It's like the difference between massive landscaping and pulling out some weeds.  Pulling out the occasional weed might not seem like a lot when compared to landscaping, but it's just as important, goddammit.  Teaspoons.

And in the case of sexist terminology, how can it possibly be unimportant to address language, which is not just how we express our thoughts, but how our thoughts are shaped?  (Chicken/egg, yay.)  Goodness.

1a) Not to mention, grassroots stuff helps me feel useful.  I'm one person; I cannot single-handedly stop rape from ever happening again.  I barely feel powerful enough to help change laws on even a local scale, for heaven's sake.  But I can poke at language and assumptions in those I talk to, and sometimes I'm heard, and sometimes there's change.  And that pleases me.

2) Okay really, like I can't both be concerned about sexist terms and work towards fixing the world on a larger scale?  C'mon.  Him: "Yeah, fair."

Josh: I feel like I just walked into the middle of a Livejournal conversation!
Me: *cracks up*

–

Related to point 1a:

So, Josh and I were sitting outside the bar, and one of the regulars came out to pop across the street for something.

Him: What's up, brothers?
Me: I've got tits.
Him: …what?
Me: I'm not a brother!  I'm like right here!
Him: *cracks up*  All right!

Later, he saw a couple that he was friendly with, so he went up and said "My brother, my sister, what's up?".

Me, to Josh: Hey, it worked!
Josh: He tends to pick up on things.

Poking at language stuff isn't always "Let us stop the conversation and consider the terms you chose to use".  Sometimes, joking does work.

–

And completely random:

Me: I use Spike TV as an example of how feminists couldn't possibly hate men more than men do.
Josh: *snorts*
Me: Sometimes I think that men get all shirty about feminists hating men because we're horning in on their market.

It was some commercial for a show on there, about some stunt guy that basically gets shot, rides his motorcycle at full speed into a wall, and so and so and so forth, before it went back to that one sport where two barefoot guys beat the shit out of each other.  Uhhh-huh.

Originally posted at Xtinian Thoughts.  Comment here or there.

Comments

[phaedra-lari.livejournal.com]

I have noticed that the reclaimed word "slut" seems to be used by both men and women to describe themselves as sex-positive and in favor of their getting lots of action with many partners. However I'd have to agree that when someone says someone *else* is a slut they seem to be using the word negatively and referring only to women. Like you I would like for that usage to go away entirely rather than be extended to men.

[the-xtina.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we didn't get too far into reclamation (except for "And what are they reclaiming it from?").  I cannot recall the last time I've heard the pejorative term "slut" used against men, without putting "man-" in front of it.

[majes.livejournal.com]

Well, slut is an old word, with a long history of being an insult, directed primarily at women. Recent efforts to reclaim it have only gotten so far.

Among my friends and loves, I hear it now being primarily used for self reference as in "I'm such a gaming slut" or "I'm going to your party in my sluttiest best." I cannot recall actually hearing it used as an insult, other than on TV and in movies. Well... back in high school, I suppose.

[the-xtina.livejournal.com]

I find that that's more a testament to the high quality of people you surround yourself with, rather than any good statement about society, alas.